For the Sake of Transparency

There is a part of me that is thinking this post might be just too much information for this blog.
Too much sharing.
Too much letting in on what's going on in this brain of mine.
What's going on in this heart of mine.
But I'm going to write it anyhow, as if this were my journal.
And if at the end, I am brave enough I will hit "PUBLISH POST"
If not, well then you will never read this.

Here goes.
I think I do a good job of trying to take a positive outlook on life, or on my life anyhow.
Especially on this blog.
Someone commented the other day how everything on here is so "pretty"
Well thanks so much.
While I strive to focus on the positive and the "pretty", it doesn't always show what's underneath.
I think it's very easy to do in this world of blogs.
No one's life is perfect.  Not that you thought mine was.  

Lately, well really, for a few months now, I feel like my mind is full of chatter.
Too much of the wrong stuff is preoccupying me and not leaving room for the right stuff.
Focusing on the wrong things, not on the right things.
Letting worry, stress, competition, ideas and nonsense just fill my brain.
It's like I'm not living with "purpose" if that makes sense.
I'm just doing.  Making lists and seeing how much stuff I can get checked off.
Not truly being present in the places and with the people I should be present with.

I started to pray today in the car, to ask God to take it away.  Just help clear my mind.
And I got stuck.  I literally couldn't pray.
I started with the words, "Dear God, please..."
And that was it.  Stopped dead in my tracks.

I know that part of what's missing in my life is a stronger connection with God.
Don't lose me here now.  Please.
Whether you are a believer or not, whether you pray to God or meditate, or whatever, I think it is safe to say that at some point in our lives, we all hope/want to have a connection to something bigger, stronger, than ourselves.
I have been in that place for months now.
I am so hungry for it.
I'm going to a prayer meeting at my friend Nancy's house on Thursday, so it's a step for me.  Did you know it was National Prayer Day on Thursday?  I didn't, but I do now.
Nancy and another nice Southern girl have also invited me to their church, which I will for sure be taking them up on their offer.
I just am not connecting the dots at our current church and yearn for something smaller, more intimate, with more opportunities to get involved, that push me.
It may or may not be the place for me, but I'm tired of just complaining about my current church and not doing anything about it.  So wish me luck.

The other thing I need to work on is doing less.  And by that I don't mean just going to less events, making less commitments, less promises.  I feel very fortunate to have the connections and friendships that I have, and I'm not willing to give that up.  If my dance card is full on a Saturday, then lucky me.  I really could have worse problems.

What I do mean is trying to really do less in my mind.  Let the chatter quiet down in there.  
Even on the days when we are at home, I am not getting the same amount of joy and fulfillment out of them that I used to.  My kids love to be home, and I do too.  But lately when we're home, it's all about the laundry, the blogging, the checking emails, the sewing, and on and on.  I think the kids really do play too well together because they literally could let me be for an hour at a time at home.  I don't want them to let me be though.  I want to play with them.  I want to help them create, play games, build forts.

So I'm setting some rules for myself.
Shutting the door to the office after 8 am and not opening it until at least 2 pm when nap time rolls around.
Chores will still get done, somehow, but there needs to be a start and an end to the chores.  No more of this all day business where I'm simply stepping in and out of the kids playtime to divert a meltdown or temper tantrum.
I want to be in there with them.
More down and dirty, less fluffing and folding. 

I don't know.  It's a start.
I hope a good one?

I would love to hear any thoughts, ideas, suggestions for how to help quiet the chatter.
Do you set rules for yourselves?
Any good book recommendations on faith?  Living with purpose, with intention?  Not really self-help type books, but uplifting, encouraging books?  I love to read, and if it does help, well then fantastic!
I'm hungry for change and welcome any and all advice.  
Thanks for reading/listening my friends.
Good day to you.