Ebb and Flow

I have the worst timing when it comes to crying in public.  The girl that made my salad today must
have thought I was some crazy huera.

Rewind.

I am in week 6 of my return to work.  I haven’t talked much about it because I haven’t really known what to say, what to feel. 

Some days I get up with gusto, excited to have an opportunity to be part of an industry that I love, to bring home a paycheck for my family, to experience that feeling of monetary contribution. 

To get dressed, to take part in meaningful business related discussions.  To eat lunch in peace.

Other days, days like today, days when I am running on empty and am tired, I do not get up with that same gusto.  I stay in bed and snuggle for an extra 15 minutes with Syd.  I drink my coffee real slow in the morning and I get in the car.  I travel down that damn 710 freeway, with semi trucks crowding me on both sides, bumping up and down on the pot hole ridden roads, and I think to myself, “how in the hell did I get here?”

I sit in my chair, stare at my computer and feel lonely.  I’m in an office building I’m not familiar with, in a town I’m not familiar with, working with people and rules and procedures that I’m not familiar with.  I think it’s human nature to cling to the familiar, long for it, when in uncomfortable and unknown situations.

Today, right now, I miss my kids.  I miss my house, my kitchen, my favorite candle.  I miss Art, and the comfortable feeling of knowing he's just 5 minutes down the road at his office, nerding out. 

I went to lunch today and I could see the high rise buildings of Downtown LA, including the US Bank building where my brother works.  I missed my brother today.  That statement speaks volumes to how I'm feeling right now.  I don't regularly miss my brother.  We have had a LOVE/HATE relationship.  Now I think it can best be described as RESPECT.  We are so much alike it's scary, he just has a lot more testosterone than I do.  We get each other now, we know what makes us tick.  I think if I were to drive down and see him in that high rise office of his he would say "Andy, suck it up.  Stick to the plan, keep your eye on the prize.  Don't be a sissy."  And I would say, "Okay Johnny, you're right."

But I didn't go and see my brother.  Instead I just sat in my car staring at those buildings in the parking lot.  And then Katy Perry came on and I started crying because all I could think of was Keenan Cahill and his genius You Tube video and how Art and I watch it daily now to get a laugh, and how I hate feeling alone when I am surrounded by people.  I walked in to get my lunch and I still had tears in my eyes.  Hence, the girl at the salad counter thinking I was a crazy huera.

Ebb and flow, up and down, back and forth, highs and lows.  That's how I feel on days like this. 

I pick up my salad and my XLarge Iced Tea, get in my car and start to drive back to my office.  I stop for a moment and look at the ridiculous Farmer John mural that is painted on the entire meat- packing facility, and I notice a couple of bullet holes in the wall.  And I think to myself, "Damn, someone has bigger problems than me." 

So I suck it up and know that tomorrow is another day, and not just any day, but Friday.  And I am happy again.