Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ebb and Flow

I have the worst timing when it comes to crying in public.  The girl that made my salad today must
have thought I was some crazy huera.


I am in week 6 of my return to work.  I haven’t talked much about it because I haven’t really known what to say, what to feel. 
Some days I get up with gusto, excited to have an opportunity to be part of an industry that I love, to bring home a paycheck for my family, to experience that feeling of monetary contribution. 
To get dressed, to take part in meaningful business related discussions.  To eat lunch in peace.

Other days, days like today, days when I am running on empty and am tired, I do not get up with that same gusto.  I stay in bed and snuggle for an extra 15 minutes with Syd.  I drink my coffee real slow in the morning and I get in the car.  I travel down that damn 710 freeway, with semi trucks crowding me on both sides, bumping up and down on the pot hole ridden roads, and I think to myself, “how in the hell did I get here?”

I sit in my chair, stare at my computer and feel lonely.  I’m in an office building I’m not familiar with, in a town I’m not familiar with, working with people and rules and procedures that I’m not familiar with.  I think it’s human nature to cling to the familiar, long for it, when in uncomfortable and unknown situations.

Today, right now, I miss my kids.  I miss my house, my kitchen, my favorite candle.  I miss Art, and the comfortable feeling of knowing he's just 5 minutes down the road at his office, nerding out. 

I went to lunch today and I could see the high rise buildings of Downtown LA, including the US Bank building where my brother works.  I missed my brother today.  That statement speaks volumes to how I'm feeling right now.  I don't regularly miss my brother.  We have had a LOVE/HATE relationship.  Now I think it can best be described as RESPECT.  We are so much alike it's scary, he just has a lot more testosterone than I do.  We get each other now, we know what makes us tick.  I think if I were to drive down and see him in that high rise office of his he would say "Andy, suck it up.  Stick to the plan, keep your eye on the prize.  Don't be a sissy."  And I would say, "Okay Johnny, you're right."

But I didn't go and see my brother.  Instead I just sat in my car staring at those buildings in the parking lot.  And then Katy Perry came on and I started crying because all I could think of was Keenan Cahill and his genius You Tube video and how Art and I watch it daily now to get a laugh, and how I hate feeling alone when I am surrounded by people.  I walked in to get my lunch and I still had tears in my eyes.  Hence, the girl at the salad counter thinking I was a crazy huera.

Ebb and flow, up and down, back and forth, highs and lows.  That's how I feel on days like this. 
I pick up my salad and my XLarge Iced Tea, get in my car and start to drive back to my office.  I stop for a moment and look at the ridiculous Farmer John mural that is painted on the entire meat- packing facility, and I notice a couple of bullet holes in the wall.  And I think to myself, "Damn, someone has bigger problems than me." 

So I suck it up and know that tomorrow is another day, and not just any day, but Friday.  And I am happy again.


  1. Oh sweetie, I wish I knew what to say. I guess there really isn't anything to say, except that I am here for you and am sorry that today is one of those days. Although, I'm not working now, I do understand your feelings and your confusion. I'm here to listen if you want to talk - I will do my best to not offer advice because right now this is all about you.

    Thanks for your text yesterday.

  2. this mamahood stuff is not for the weak or timid and you are doing a fabulous job balancing all of that, including days like today. good for you for finding the silver lining, even if it was wrought with bullet holes. :) happy almost friday friend.

  3. wow! Andrea, your blog has really gotten me hooked now even more than write so eloquently of real life and real feelings...I hope that you can re fuel your tank a bit this is gonna be a gorgeous one in regards to weather...hang in there, and keep the posts coming..they are very refreshing and it is nice to see your metamorphosis into a "working" out of the home mom...hugs

  4. Blaghhhhh! Isn't it HARD!!! I really have a hard time finding peace and being content with my situation. When I was off of work I wanted to go back. Then when I was back, I wanted to be home. It is just plain tough to figure out what is BEST for everyone, including YOU. Hang in there. Remember, we all have days like this whether at work or at home.

  5. Oh...I am so sorry to hear about this..I have been there and I know what you exactly feel. I hope you are feeling better now and relax a bit in this coming weekend.


  6. I loved this. Your heart is so real in these words. Keep going on. Keep moving. Sometimes that's all we can do for a bit.

    (p.s. moxy is my middle name!)

  7. My favorite post yet. Is that weird? I feel like I just got to know you more in the 2 minutes it took to read, than the 4 years we've known each other.
    Yes, ebb and flow mama....

  8. I agree with the ebb and flow idea. I find that I'll be accepting of my new full time working life for a while, and then I'll question why I ever thought I could possibly work and be a good mom simultaneously, and then I'll be back to loving the balance a rewarding job provides in my life. Wish I could express it as eloquently as you did here!

  9. I work full-time outside the home and have three boys ages 7, 5 and 2. I struggle with the work/life balance issue ... and I feel guilty on the days when I'm at work when I'd rather be at home AND vice versa. There are days I'd rather be at work than at home. That one always kills me.

    But I am so grateful that my kids desire more time with me, not less. I grew up in a home in which I would have liked nothing more than for my mom to work, because I would have done anything to have LESS time with her. And the fact that my kids love me and want more time with me tells me that I must be doing something right. As YOU are. Loved this post!

  10. Hi Andrea, I just saw you getting your picture taken with Meg and clicked over to see your blog. I read this post and feel for you! Being a mom is just plain old hard, especially when it comes to working. I will be back to see your blog when I have more time to spend. Just wanted to say hi and keep looking at the bigger picture, I'm referencing the Farmer John mural. I live in LA and I know which one you're talking about...just didn't know about the bullet holes...HA!


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