At pick-up on Monday afternoon, Taylor's teacher informed me that she had received a "cloudy day" for not staying on task and completing her assignments, and that if her lack of focus continued, she would have to be placed on a work contract. Our conversation was brief and to the point, but it sent me reeling into hyper-active over-reaction mode as per usual. Of course there was a reason to be concerned about our little day-dreamer, but probably not to the extent that I took it. The next morning I woke up, certain I'd feel better but only felt worse. My heart and head felt so burdened it was hard to even focus.
I called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and after we hung up I realized that it was the anniversary of the death of my older brother. Of course my heart was a little heavier that day. When my brother died our family was still broken, trying to repair itself. My brother had graduated from UCLA, my sister was married and I was about to go away to UCSB. We were for all intents and purposes, trying our best to lead healthy, normal lives, rebounding as a family of a recovering alcoholic. When he died it was the reminder that no matter how far we've come, we still came from some shitty circumstances. Fifteen years later we are as healthy as a familial unit as we can be. My brother is a successful MBA graduate, married to probably the sweetest girl you will ever meet and they have 2 amazing kids. My sister has tapped into a well of compassion I never knew she had, adopting 4 children in addition to their 1 birth son. And me, well you all get to see about me. It makes me so sad that my oldest brother never got to see us healed, and it makes me sadder that he couldn't be a part of it.
While for the most part we are healed, we each still have our "stuff". Last summer when I visited the life-coach for a brief second, she told me on my first visit my problem was that I was too concerned with perfection and that I needed to let go of looking good. How ironic, considering my career was centered in an industry completely dedicated to making people look good. Call it pshyco-babble, but she did have a point and it was easy to see that when you come from a mess, it's a natural reaction to try to make everything neat, tidy and pretty.
So why am I spilling all of this? Isn't this a lifestyle blog Andrea? Shouldn't you be focusing on fashion, food and other pretty things? Blogging 101 tells you that if I wanted to make this blog a raging success I probably should just stick to that stuff. But as much as I love the pretty, the pretty isn't always the truth or reality. We all have our "stuff" no matter how perfect we try to make our lives appear on a blog. On Tuesday I wanted to write this out here, but I wasn't ready, so I wrote about preserving your child's artwork because that's just easier and well, prettier. But I don't want this place to ever become just a showcase for pretty. So at least for today I'm letting go of looking good and embracing who I am, where I come from and how far I've come.
Have a great weekend everyone. I for one am definitely ready for it.