Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

(you can read where this all started here, and see links to some of the other bloggers that have participated.) 

I don't think I've ever been afraid to tell you guys much of anything here.  But of course there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest.  Posts I've started to write but have pulled back on.  Been afraid to hit publish on.  For some reason putting them in bullet point formation seems an easy way to sort of make a list and check it off.  Here goes...

One of the hardest things for me during this pregnancy has not being able to have a glass of wine, or two, when I want one.  That scares me because a) I'm ashamed to admit it because of what other people might think and b) I'm afraid of what it does mean considering my father and the genetics of alcoholism.  I'm not an alcoholic.  After living with one for a good portion of my childhood, I'm sure of that.  But I wonder if pushed in the right situation and under the right circumstances I could be.

I'm afraid of coming down with PPD again after this baby is born.  I had it with both of the first two and it was quite possibly the worst feelings I'd ever experienced, during a time when you're supposed to be the happiest of your life.  I went on medication with both of them.  I don't want to go down the road again but think it might be inevitable.  This really terrifies me, more than I care to admit.

Some days I get really, really frustrated with blogging you guys, because I'll be honest, I want to succeed at it.  And some days I feel like I'm failing.  And when I feel this way I let it effect my moods, especially how I act with my husband and kids and I feel horribly guilty about this.  I get snappy, but I always catch myself and rebound, but still.  And it's not so much that I feel like I'm failing, as I just don't feel like my output = my return.  I have experienced what many would consider,  some level of success, but I have worked my tail off for those little "wins".  Every "follow", every subscription has been hard worked for.  I post things I'm proud of, which keeps me going and happy and "in it", but many days I wonder why neither of my blogs just haven't really "caught on".  I see some bloggers grow to rapid success and I wonder why the heck that can't happen for me and these spaces, and so that makes me think it must be me.  And so then I try to figure out how I can adjust things to give people what they want, and then I start to lose myself and who I am.  So I stop and continue to try and be me.  I have come to realize I may never take off and if I want to keep doing this, I need to be okay with that.  Be happy and content with the successes I have achieved and not begrudge others for the opportunities they come across (I don't begrudge most days, but some days I'll be honest, I do, and I get catty and bitchy about it).   

As a style blogger, I worry about my age and that at 36, how long can I feasibly want to/can do this?  I think about this too much.  And then I get all pissed because I think, why should all the young girls get to have all the fun and all the opportunities?  And then I think, just wait till they turn 35 and have kids...wonder if they'll still be walking around in 4 inch heels and buying Celine bags like it ain't no thang.  And it starts to get a little ugly up in there, so I take a deep breath and stop.  But seriously, how long can I pull this off for?

Alright, that's enough honesty for one day you guys.  While I didn't get this down and dirty on my other blog, I did share a pretty average dose of reality over there, showing what a typical day looks like for me and my family.  I could go on but I might scare you all off.  Anyone want to take a turn next?  Let me know if you do.