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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

(you can read where this all started here, and see links to some of the other bloggers that have participated.) 

I don't think I've ever been afraid to tell you guys much of anything here.  But of course there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest.  Posts I've started to write but have pulled back on.  Been afraid to hit publish on.  For some reason putting them in bullet point formation seems an easy way to sort of make a list and check it off.  Here goes...

One of the hardest things for me during this pregnancy has not being able to have a glass of wine, or two, when I want one.  That scares me because a) I'm ashamed to admit it because of what other people might think and b) I'm afraid of what it does mean considering my father and the genetics of alcoholism.  I'm not an alcoholic.  After living with one for a good portion of my childhood, I'm sure of that.  But I wonder if pushed in the right situation and under the right circumstances I could be.

I'm afraid of coming down with PPD again after this baby is born.  I had it with both of the first two and it was quite possibly the worst feelings I'd ever experienced, during a time when you're supposed to be the happiest of your life.  I went on medication with both of them.  I don't want to go down the road again but think it might be inevitable.  This really terrifies me, more than I care to admit.

Some days I get really, really frustrated with blogging you guys, because I'll be honest, I want to succeed at it.  And some days I feel like I'm failing.  And when I feel this way I let it effect my moods, especially how I act with my husband and kids and I feel horribly guilty about this.  I get snappy, but I always catch myself and rebound, but still.  And it's not so much that I feel like I'm failing, as I just don't feel like my output = my return.  I have experienced what many would consider,  some level of success, but I have worked my tail off for those little "wins".  Every "follow", every subscription has been hard worked for.  I post things I'm proud of, which keeps me going and happy and "in it", but many days I wonder why neither of my blogs just haven't really "caught on".  I see some bloggers grow to rapid success and I wonder why the heck that can't happen for me and these spaces, and so that makes me think it must be me.  And so then I try to figure out how I can adjust things to give people what they want, and then I start to lose myself and who I am.  So I stop and continue to try and be me.  I have come to realize I may never take off and if I want to keep doing this, I need to be okay with that.  Be happy and content with the successes I have achieved and not begrudge others for the opportunities they come across (I don't begrudge most days, but some days I'll be honest, I do, and I get catty and bitchy about it).   

As a style blogger, I worry about my age and that at 36, how long can I feasibly want to/can do this?  I think about this too much.  And then I get all pissed because I think, why should all the young girls get to have all the fun and all the opportunities?  And then I think, just wait till they turn 35 and have kids...wonder if they'll still be walking around in 4 inch heels and buying Celine bags like it ain't no thang.  And it starts to get a little ugly up in there, so I take a deep breath and stop.  But seriously, how long can I pull this off for?

Alright, that's enough honesty for one day you guys.  While I didn't get this down and dirty on my other blog, I did share a pretty average dose of reality over there, showing what a typical day looks like for me and my family.  I could go on but I might scare you all off.  Anyone want to take a turn next?  Let me know if you do. 

16 comments:

  1. Your amazing. I have a whole new respect for you after reading this. As far as PPD goes I also experienced that and I an praying it does not happen with the second baby. You are also such an inspiration and I have no idea how you are running two blogs!!! I hardly ever have guest posters but I would love to have you and help expose your blogs while I'm out for a few weeks getting adjusted to mommy hood. I will email you!

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  2. YOU are cracking me up right now! I love you just the way you are. The 36 year old, mothering, imperfect, struggler version of you who sometimes wants wine and anti-depressants. Because that's all of us, when we're not liars! What you have, that many, many other bloggers don't, is integrity. That's what we all like. Stay you, friend. Please. Because you're awesome. And at some point, you're just gonna need to accept that. ;)

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  3. i agree with the ladies above. I had PPD w/ my first and a little bit with the second but that could be due to the colic issue.
    anywho - I DIG the fact that you are 36 and talking about fashion because lets face it - no one who is "normal" (not super rich or married to a hollywood insider etc) really does and does it well and accessibly.
    I have the same fear about makeup - does anyone care about what I love right now? but i think/feel like as long as you are true to what you feel, show your heart and be open then whatever success you wish for may come. and then you have to really figure out what your version of "success" is.....yeah I could do a long version of what I'm afraid to post but i think in this vulnerable postpartum state I may go a little too far.....we'll save that for a face to face chat :)

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  4. I recently found your blog, and this post just makes me love it even more! However hard it may have been for you to share this, it's really nice to see that I'm not standing alone with my insecurities!!! LOL! Thanks so much for sharing.

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  5. Where do I start? Hmmmm..first do not feel weird about admitting to the itch for a nice glass of wine...come on...what mother juggling kids, home, and all of lives fantastic twists and turns doesn't enjoy a nice glass or two? I can TOTALLY relate...I love to enjoy a nice cocktail on a Friday night with the hubby..and it has been hard because it feels like Ive been either pregnant or nursing for the past 3 years...o wait..I have been..hahaha. As far as your blog I think it's great that you have such a passion for it..but at the end of the day who cares if its loved my 100's or just 2. I know with my blog I only have 8..yes thats right EIGHT followers..but I have numerous people who come up to me at my old job or email me and tell me how much they enjoy reading my blog..and that totally makes me happy..my blog isn't fancy or followed but I know my closest peeps feel a part of my life while im busy in this lil cave I call "having babies". I quite enjoy your blog..and I feel you have such a nice variety of entries! And GIRL...you rock your style til the day you have topop dentures in your mouth too...who cares what anyone things...ROCK IT! And with all that said...have a fantastic weekend! :)

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  6. i'll echo everything leslie said. YES.
    YOU are lovely, and that's what shines.
    praying for you now, that miserable ppd passes you by. love you, andrea!

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  7. I love that you posted this blog. It is great to read something that is so honest. I hope that all goes well with you pregnancy and there after. I'm sure the feeling of having PPD is overwhelming but look how things are now, you have a beautiful family!

    On the fashion blogging, I love your style! Keep it going us 30 something's can have fun with fashion too!

    Wishing you the best!
    Andrea

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  8. I love that you posted this blog. It is great to read something that is so honest. I hope that all goes well with you pregnancy and there after. I'm sure the feeling of having PPD is overwhelming but look how things are now, you have a beautiful family!

    On the fashion blogging, I love your style! Keep it going us 30 something's can have fun with fashion too!

    Wishing you the best!
    Andrea

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  9. I was out of town during the last part of last week, so I'm just now catching up on these "things I'm afraid to tell you" posts. This is a blogging trend I can get behind! I've always loved your blogging style for your honesty, and this post just made me love you more! Props to you for being honest about motherhood (there's just not a lot of that out there, is there?), and as far as age and fashion blogging is concerned, I feel like you bring a lot to the table. Your experience to the fashion industry is such a huge plus, and even though I'm a tad younger than you, I LOVE hearing what you have to say about style and trends. I feel like I'm learning from a master, minus the ego. :) You come at things so practically, and I love it. Thanks for putting yourself out there; your posts are always an inspiration because of your genuine nature.

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  10. I think there is a tendency among bloggers to want to only show a "best self", but I've always found the ones who admit fault much more relatable. On the flip side I've also found it extremely hard to put some stuff out there in the short amount of time I've been blogging. I love the idea of this series.

    I also want to say that I completely relate to your fears of PPD, and your post has inspired me to start a post about this. This is my first pregnancy, so I don't know how I'll react, but my family does have a history of depression, so chemically i feel like i'm extra vulnerable.

    It's also nice to hear about the hard work of blogging. I don't know yet if this is something I will venture into as a "career", but it is tempting to see all the instant success stories and think it is easy to accomplish. Logically I realize blogs take a log of work to make any amount of living off of them, and I appreciate seeing the tougher side of things.

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  11. I've been reading your blog for some time now, and I want you to know that I think you do a fabulous job. Your honesty is a breath of fresh air. I love that you post pictures of "real" outfits too; what Mom has time to look perfect in all (or even most) pictures? Thank you!

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  12. I think you rock and should just keep trucking along. It will pay off....esecially since what you've got here is sooo good!!!

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  13. Oh everyone, my stupid intense debate comment system isn't working or else I'd respond to everyone individually. But at any rate, thank you all for the amazing words and encouragement. I've always felt so at home here and free to say just about anything. Your responses here just support my feelings even more. Thank you

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  14. Hang in there, my friend. Thinking of you!

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  15. I can relate to writing a post and not publishing it. :)

    For what it's worth, I think your blog is very lovely and compared to some it has taken off... Nearly 500 followers is awesome to me! It's hard to be patient when you try so hard though.

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  16. This was a very honest and heartfelt post, and I admire you for keeping it real. Keep being yourself and staying true to who you are- and remember what's truly important in your life- your kids and hubby. The blogging world is fun and all- but at the end of the day- family means more than anything.

    Good luck and take care. And don't be afraid to ask for help.

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