Thursday, August 30, 2012

Please Let Me Introduce To You...

Introducing Hayden Arthur Howe.  Born on Monday 8/27/2012 at 9:20 am, weighing in at an even 8 pounds and measuring 20 inches in length, he is healthy and handsome, and we are in love. 
We survived our first night at home last night.  After a beautiful and blissfully happy 2 days spent cuddling and holding baby more than I ever had held one of my other newborns, I hit a bit of a dark cloud last night.  What I can best describe as a panic attack, I suddenly got a very sad and overwhelmed feeling of the enormity of it all.  I talked it through with Art and came out feeling good, then spent a restless night with baby Hayden.  He nursed fine until his 3 am feeding and hasn't nursed since.  When my milk comes in I get incredibly engorged and I think he's just a bit frustrated.  We will press on and I'm sure it will work out.  I've faced different nursing challenges with each baby and we've always worked it out, so I pray this is no different.
Today we are just spending the day getting to know each other, as I deal with my new found DD's, and trying to accomplish my first bowel movement, always a scary thing right?  Life is beautiful and I see that, and truly know that, just praying no more dark clouds hit me tonight.  The doula is set to deliver my placenta capsules tomorrow afternoon, and while I have no real reason to believe this, I feel deep down that they will work on some level, even if it's just purely psychological.  I'm sorry to mix such a beautiful post with some sadness, but I feel on this matter it is beyond important to be honest.  Tuesday night I cried with such emotion of how happy I felt, how truly in love with this little boy I was.  And then to have such a rush of sadness the next night is nothing short of maddening and frustrating.  It's not right, and it certainly doesn't make much sense, but it's the truth and I want those of you that have been through the same thing to know you're not alone.

I'll be back over the next week or so to update you, and share the birth story with you.  I have to say, I kicked this labor's ass.  It was hard and painful and long, but I am certain of one thing, I am proud of how it all transpired and will forever have those memories in my heart.

Thanks for everything you guys.  For the well wishes, prayers and support.  They have meant the world to me, more than you could ever know.


  1. thank you for sharing your {whole} story with us.
    praying that these next few days & weeks are full of moments of peace & light. xoxo

  2. Thank you for sharing this post- every beautiful, sad, personal detail. I'm so nervous about having this baby, I just appreciate your honesty. Praying for you and baby Hayden!

  3. Andrea,
    I have been thinking about you, praying for you and wondering how you are doing...ever since I heard about Hayden. I've wondered how you were doing, in your heart, and if you had felt sadness, darkness or fear.
    Thank you for sharing with us all, Andrea, because illuminating your experience will help other illuminate theirs. Nothing is helpful, in the dark.

    I'll continue to keep praying....and please know that you are not taking anything away from this amazing experience by honestly sharing. You still love your baby the same, you are still joyful and you are still the best mom for Hayden. Being honest is just that...being honest.

    Hold tight and when you feel dark again-call out to the One who gave you Hayden, in the first place.

    My love to you, in a big virtual hug.


  4. I love that you were so honest here and didn't just tell the fairy tale part of having a baby. i think one of the hardest but most important things you can do is to be honest so others can be too, share so they know they are not alone. i did not deal with anything like that after birth but have dealt a long time with panic and anxiety, so I feel for you. Lots of prayers to you. And congratulations on that sweet little baby boy!

  5. I am so happy to hear someone else being so honest about the darkness! Not that I'm happy about you having any but it's refreshing to not be the only one talking about it. Continue to hold & squeeze him as much as you can so that if/when the darkness comes you remember the joy you have in little Hayden.
    I had the same fears about coming home and figuring it all out but at some point had to get out of my head, look around and enjoy each moment as our new family bonded over the baby.
    Hope the capsules help!
    Wishing you all the love, light and joy you deserve,

  6. I have left you lots of comments on Instagram, but want to say again how happy I am for you all. He is such a precious little one!

    1. also to add, I'm praying for you. Truly. Your honestly is surely going to help other new moms. {{hug}}

  7. I've been checking back over and over- I'm sure I wasn't here that long ago today, but these times are making me doubt my sanity- just to see what was happening!

    I'm so happy Hayden is here and you're feeling well. Although you've given me a new worry. Bowel movements? I hadn't even considered that might be a problem. I think I need to do more research before I tackle this pregnancy thing.

  8. Congratulations, Andrea! He's beautiful.

    So, thanks for keeping the post-delivery phase feel. It IS so important to be honest and you're doing it so well. I was wondering what you'd decided to do about the placenta encapsulation...I can't wait to hear more about how things go with you and to see more pics of your sweet baby (and family)!

    Congrats again!

  9. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm interested to know how things go. Hoping for the best for you! He sure is a cute lil fella!

  10. i really admire how open and honest you are. never apologize for sharing your feelings! your baby boy is beautiful and that picture is so amazing! enjoy your time and take care of yourself, too, mama.

  11. Well done. So honest and refreshing. I pray that you rest, recover and enjoy your beautiful baby. Take it easy.

  12. congratulations on your new little one--he's got an adorable name! Hoping for all the best for you and your family.

  13. Congratulations, he's just perfect/


  14. Beautiful photos! I'm new to your blog and so glad that I found it. It's just refreshing to hear of someone keeping it real - there are such a mix of emotions (and hormones) that come with birth and sometimes I think that the not-so-happy ones aren't really give room to be acknowledged.

    Congrats on your sweet baby boy and I hope that breastfeeding, cuddling, and all of that fun stuff goes smoothly!

  15. praying for you, dear one! psalm 54:4 xo

  16. Sending prayers your way beautiful Momma!! He is perfect! Xxxoo

  17. Congratulations Andrea!!
    He's beautiful!

    I'm so glad you shared your heart. There is so much more beauty in honesty. The darkest days make the brightest sunshine feel even more glorious.


  18. Thanks for sharing this, Andrea. I had a similar experience exactly 24 hours after my son was born. I have never heard anyone else admit that they experienced depression/anxiety after their baby was born. I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. Hayden is beautiful.


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