(me - happy, having fun, feeling good)It hit me last night that this really is the last pregnancy for me, the last time I'll have a 10 week countdown to my due date. And it makes me horribly sad and want to stop time. I never say that, but right now it is so true. I want to linger in the baby kicks and the belly rubs each night and dressing this pregnant belly of mine. I feel amazing and I want to cherish and bottle up these feelings because in 10 weeks I'll just be another mommy of 3.
This pregnancy has changed me. While I of course have my bouts of craziness, I also haven't been this happy in at least 2-3 years. I finally feel at peace that I'm no longer working full time and don't have a career. I struggled with that for months after quitting and I confess that I almost called up my old boss a few times asking if I could work part time. I feel at peace that this is the house God placed us in, and I'm going to make the most of it. I feel settled here, even when the freeway noise is loud and crazy parents from the school across the street are blocking my driveway. I finally feel fully at peace with the fact that my husband owns his own business and yes, it's scary at times, but I have faith that we can ride through anything and he will figure out a way to provide for us.
I was sad a lot the last couple of years, whether it was justifiable or not, I let things effect me too much. I'm finally learning to brush things off, give it over to God and just have faith. It's not to say that in the last 2-3 years I wasn't ever happy, I of course was, but I also had some dark moments where I hardly recognized myself, ruled by emotions. I looked at my life list the other day, and the top 5 things I chose to try and accomplish this year, and you know what, I haven't accomplished a single one of them. There's a group board for all of us that went to Camp Mighty and several times a week someone will post an update, an item "checked off the list", and we all rally around them and tell them good job and congratulations. Last week someone got a book deal, a really, really good book deal. I think a year ago it would have really bothered me that people were accomplishing things and I wasn't. But right now, all I care about is the 5 people in this house, and how we're all doing (of course my friends and family too). It's a good feeling to be at peace.
Sometimes I think it's effected my writing a bit here. Some of the best posts I ever wrote were written when I was feeling sad or reflective. But now that I've flushed a lot of those feelings away, I almost feel a little directionless. And then I started For the Love Of and pretty much eliminated my style posts here. So in just a few months I eliminated sad posts and style posts, and some DIY posts, leaving me feeling a little lost on what else you'd like me to write about. Of course I can and will always continue to write about the kids, and zombies and preppers. But this is where I'd love to defer to you friends.
For you to continue reading, what topics would you like me to write about? Kids, kids crafts, home projects, home DIY's, pregnancy, life with newborn, journey with faith, recipes. These are just a few things off the top of my head. Do you guys want me to still post some style stuff over here? How many of you actually read both blogs and want to see completely different topics? Do you like it when I do the weekend recaps of what I wrote about over on For the Love Of? What are some of your favorite posts of mine? What do you want to see more of?
I know these are a lot of questions and I don't expect you to answer all of them ;) If you have any advice or feedback to give though, it would be greatly appreciated. There was a very very brief moment where I thought about shutting this place down, but I really don't want to. I'd like to keep it going, but in a meaningful way that works for both you and me. I don't want to just post and write for the sake of posting. I want every single one of these posts to be intentionally published with some sort of purpose behind it. I think when bloggers just start writing posts that don't serve an end purpose, they lose their way. I don't want that to happen here, so I'm doing a little premature intervention here. I'd just love a little help with it ;) Thanks in advance guys. You are the best!
And P.S. I wouldn't trade no amount of great blog posts for the feelings of peace I have right now...