Life List Be Done

As of this morning I barely had just over 40 items on my life list.  I called up Art and asked him to meet me at Peet's to help me brainstorm.  He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and since many of the things I want to do, I want to do with him, I knew he'd be able to help.

We sat there one by one, adding some amazing things to the list.  All of a sudden I told him one of the things I wanted to add to my list; find the man that murdered my brother.  He immediately said absolutely not, and I knew deep down he was right.  He reminded me that I needed to move forward and suggested instead that I make a promise to visit his grave on a regular basis.

It's been 16 years since my brother was shot and killed in a cheap motel room just blocks away from our parent's house.  We don't know for sure what happened and his killer has never been brought to justice, but we can only assume it had something to do with an old drug related deal gone bad.  Since the day we buried him I've never once visited his grave.  Grief is a strange thing.  It ties you up in knots for days on end and it leaves you feeling wasted and like you never want to visit it again, and then it somehow disappears all together, sometimes for years at a time before you see it again.

I think it's safe to say that I've never properly mourned the passing of my brother.  When someone you love, someone in your immediate family, dies in such a way, there's all sorts of ugliness tied up in the mourning process.  Shame, embarrassment, regret.  Shit loads of regret.  Grief is grief and death is death and all of it is really crappy no matter what the circumstances, but when you hear that your oldest brother was shot and killed in a motel room, it's a bit unconventional.  When someone dies of cancer, or a car accident, or bravely doing a job, there's a sort of socially accepted form of conduct that goes along with the grieving process.  Within weeks of my brother's death, my high school boyfriend's sister also passed, from cancer.  She left a husband and son, and I brought them a chicken dinner, I remember.  I visited their home and gave my condolences and the house was packed with family members grieving for the loss of their daughter. sister, wife, mother.  They were reminiscing about her and talking about how much she was loved and cherished.  I remember thinking "well, things look a bit different here."  Where's the grieving manual titled Mourning the Loss of Your Family Member That Had a Disease and Was a Jerk?

I went away to university and graduated Magna Cum Laude (although it was from UCSB and their standards are a little lower), and I got a fantastic job working at a fancy-schmancy clothing company and I married a good boy from an even better family and made fine upstanding friends.  I went years without even telling a soul about my oldest brother.  Shame, embarrassment, all that ugly tied up in the grieving you know.  And then it really started to eat at me.  The last 2-3 years or so.  I started having reoccurring dreams about my brother.  In them I was always very young, and he was nothing but my big protective brother that nicknamed me Minnie on the day I was born.  There was none of that shame or embarrassment tied up in those dreams.  Every time I woke up crying from one of those dreams though.  I loved him so much and I miss him and I will always miss him because he was my brother and no matter what he did or what happened will ever change that. 

And so no, I guess I don't need to, or want to find my brother's killer.  That's not something I need to accomplish in my life time.  Instead I need to learn to properly mourn his death and remember him, the good and the bad, and I need to visit his grave.  And I need to take my kids to his grave and I need to tell my kids about him one day.  Because right now they don't even know he existed.  And I obviously need to see a shrink to work through some stuff because sometimes, it's screwed up there in this head of mine.  This time I'm going to try and find a Christian therapist to work with though.

So after all that, here's the final Life List.  I suggest you write one too just for fun.  Hopefully it won't bring up all sorts of angsty crap like it did for me ;)  I leave tomorrow.  I'm nervous and excited and I have all sorts of fun outfits planned because, DUH, what better way to deal with crappy childhood stuff than to plan fun things to wear?  Wish me luck.  Thanks for reading too.  You guys are the best.  Honestly, you are.  And really, can I just get some credit for giving it all to you guys here?  Fashion, DIY ideas, recipes, religion, childhood tragedies, I've got it all covered.  Adios amigos!

Andrea's Life List (as of 11/10/11)
Family

Teach my kids how to fish

See my kids graduate from College

See my kids get married & have children

Organize a family reunion

Throw my parents a big party for making it this far

Visit all major museums in the US

View the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade from an apartment

Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon with the kids

Take kids to Yellowstone & see Old Faithful

Stay on a ranch/farm

Take the kids zip lining in a rainforest

Teach kids how to snowboard

Teach kids dirt bike riding (Art’s in charge of this one)

Go sledding in White Sands New Mexico with the kids

Make a family movie

Cliff jumping

Teach kids how to drive

Take kids to their first Angels game

Digitize all film & organize footage

Organize all digital photos
Hot air balloon ride 

Spirituality

Read the Bible cover to cover

Go on a Mission trip

Visit the Holy land

Have a 1 on 1 session with a Pastor & ask all the questions I’m afraid to ask in public

Attend Bible study on a regular basis & study all the books of the Bible

Visit my brother’s grave annually

See a shrink to work stuff out

Travel & Adventure

African Safari

Spain

Italy

Greece

Great Britain

France

Canada

Australia

Japan

China

Germany

New Zealand

Swiss Alps

Visit 44 states (the coolest ones - there's 6 I have no desire to visit)

Live in New England for at least a year

Just For Fun

Learn a choreographed dance routine

Participate in a flash mob

Learn to spin records, even digitally

Go to the Winter Olympics

Go to the Summer Olympics

Create a bottle of wine with my name on the label

Attend Sundance Film Festival

Attend Cannes

Get teeth professionally whitened

Go to an NFL game

Own an acre of land, somewhere, anywhere

Watch 100 Best Movies of All Time (AFI’s 10^th Anniversary edition)

Own a 2^nd home for vacationing
Baby Whisperer meet up

Health

Run another half marathon

Become flexible enough to do the splits

Learn self defense

Complete a 1 month detox

Go to a wellness spa

Partnership

Write a screenplay with my husband

Attend a marriage and counseling seminar with husband to have a kick-ass marriage

Renew my vows

Celebrate 50 years of marriage

Go on a romantic vacation just the two of us

Finish that book we’ve had for a long time

Charitable Causes

Donate hair to Locks of Love

Start a Love 146 task force in Orange County/Long Beach area

Dedicate time consistently to a charitable organization

Raise & Donate at least $2000 a year to charitable causes (besides tithing)

Build a house with Habitat for Humanity

Donate money anonymously

Home Ec

Grow flowers from bulbs

Make homemade pasta

Create & maintain organized files/records

Maintain the 20 minute rule

Make authentic Spanish paella from scratch

Make sopapillas like my Grandma used to make

Learn to make Chile Rellenos

Master a basic pie pastry recipe

Create a working office/craft room

DIY an office desk

Invest in a quality sewing machine

Pay off mortgage

Get all ducks in a row for financial investments

Personal/Professional Development

Learn to speak fluent Spanish

Learn to play the piano

Making a living off my blog

Return to the fashion industry within the next 5 years

Take a photography class

Take a graphic design class

Learn Photoshop well enough so I don’t need Art’s help

Read at least 50 of the books on the 100 Classics List of All Times (between the US/UK versions)

Become a certified fitness instructor of some sort

Take an art class

Take an advanced sewing class

Take a jewelry making class
Get paid to do what I love